What did you learn about having needs when you were young?
What did you learn about having needs when you were young?
In our work with couples and individuals, we talk a lot about needs. Often, because of mistaken understandings within our family of origin about needs and how to navigate needs within relationship, we have developed a way of being along a continuum. We may have learned to be needless and wantless (self-sufficient), or that your needs don’t matter, or we may have learned to be somewhat needy (a passive requiring of others to do for me what perhaps I could sometimes take care of myself – learned helplessness). These ways of being limit the capacity for intimate and safe connection within relationship.
When we were infants, we were current and congruent with our physical and emotional needs and were able - in present time - to express those needs to our caregivers. How those expressions of need were responded to set the foundation of our attachment style. And the type of responsiveness we received greatly impacted our ability to validate our own needs and set our expectation for whether or not our needs would matter to others. What did you learn about having needs when you were young?
There is so much to discuss about needs, but what I want to focus on in this article is how I help individuals and couples break needs down in order to understand where this larger topic of “needs” might be getting stuck for them. We can look at the navigation of needs in several stages. As I break it down, think about which part may be most difficult for you.
Step 1:
The first step is to identify that you have a need. Often, it is easier to notice and think about others – what they are doing, not doing, what we don’t like about them, etc. Yet, if we find ourselves focused on and complaining about what someone else is doing or not doing; we likely have a need. This is the most important stage – recognizing that what we are feeling is likely less about them and who they are and what they are doing and more about a need that we have. So, we identify: “I probably have a need”.
Step 2:
Second, we learn to articulate our need in a hearable way. There are two parts to communication: 1) saying it in a hearable way, and 2) being in a posture to receive. We are only in charge of one part of that equation - so to keep it clear and hearable there are some phrases to listen for in our conversation: “I need to…” is really a “should” in disguise and “I need you….” indicates we still have to dig one more level down to discover what our need is.
Neither of those first phrases point to our actual need. In fact, our partner may interpret the second phrase as controlling. For example, one we often hear: “I need you to go group” while still being good information for us by assisting us on finding the deeper need, is not actually the need. “I need a sense of safety and support around our recovery” might be closer to that need. Or “I need to feel like I am doing everything I can to get to a better place or I find I get really afraid. One of the ways you could help me with that is by staying committed to group”. The needs were really about safety, support, confidence in our work, movement/change, etc. and we stay aware of what that real need is.
Step 3:
Third, we understand that our partner is not obligated to meet our need. There is freedom too, but not a requirement too. Yet, because hopefully we have established a baseline foundation in our relationship that each of our needs matter, our spouse or partner can choose to hear our need, and then check their own resources within themselves to see if they could meet that need. If they can meet it; great! Attachment grows with responsiveness. If they can’t, that’s also fine, but because of that baseline foundation that each of our needs matter, they will hopefully offer an alternative that honors our need, our vulnerability in our request and values our connection.
Step 4:
Fourth, because we are now wise adults, we retain ownership of our need. It is after all our need. We are not helpless. If our partner’s attempt to meet our need is not able to satisfy that need, we get active in our hoop to get that need met in a way that honors our need and is congruent with our vision for who we want to be. So, if our need was for safety, support, confidence in our work and movement/change, what are ways we can offer that to ourselves?
Step 5:
Finally, if after being proactive in these ways, that need still remains, can we surrender that need? Can we see if God might work in that space and bring about something we could not? Or teach us something about ourselves that we may have needed to know?
Putting It Together
Let’s walk it through with an example: Let’s say you are at your spouse’s work event on a Friday evening. As the evening moves on, you become aware that your spouse is going to want to stay for a while longer. You might begin to feel frustrated, irritated, annoyed and begin thinking about how ridiculous this is, they always do this, does he/she think we are teenagers, what’s wrong with them… etc.
We could say you are triggered and you probably have a need (stage one). You could say, “I need you to stop acting like a teenager and take me home” or you could say, “I’m noticing I’m tired and I have a need for sweatpants” (or to be home, comfort, rest – stage two). Your spouse hears you, considers your request and is aware that they have a need to stay a while longer as this is their work event and it’s expected that they remain.
But because your need matters to them, they might suggest an alternative – “I can’t leave just yet, but how about in an hour and a half.” (stage 3). While you felt heard and understood by the suggestion and can recognize the situation your spouse is in, you notice that you still really need to go home. So, as it is your need, you consider ways to take care of yourself (stage 4). Options you consider are: calling an Uber, asking your spouse to catch a ride home and you take the car, etc.
In this example, it probably ends here. With some of the messier, more complicated needs, if no clear option appears available to you right now and you are unable to come up with any alternatives after being active in your own hoop to communicate it relationally or attempt to meet it for yourself, can you surrender your need to God or your higher power, trusting that He may meet it or there may be something in it for you to learn about yourself?
Practicing needs:
Identify you have a need
Articulate your need in a hearable way
Understand your partner is not OBLIGATED to meet you need
Retain ownership of your need
If it cannot be met, can I surrender it?
Rebecca Dekkers MA, LMFT, has a Masters Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and specialty training in Equine-Assisted Psychotherapy. Rebecca provides individual counseling to women who have experienced relational betrayal and are embarking on their own life recovery journey. Rebecca also facilitates weekly women's groups and provides couples counseling.
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